Last night, I dreamt about my Ah Gong.
The pain so terrible, I can actually feel it.
Regrets; somethings can never be forgotten.
Had always wanted to write this, but never felt strong enough to do so. But I guess today, I will put it down in words. Memories of that very day, 18th January 2004.

I can still remember vividly.
I was eating ice-cream in Swensens with Jing when I got a call from my dad.
I could no longer smile after that.
I’d wanted to visit my Ah Gong that day after school.

Shock overwhelms, but I can’t feel anything but numbness.
I did not cry, I just walked home blankly. Sat at the front of my computer, waiting for my parents to come back from the hospital.
In the evening, I went to the house he used to live in, it felt empty since the day he went to the hospital. Sat around, but didn’t feel anything.
Then Mom told me to force open the drawer that was locked. Aunt said he kept the things he treasured most in his whole life and they wanted to cremate it with him.

I saw the present that I saved up to give him on his birthday when I was in primary school. He accepted it, lectured me about spending so much when I should be using the money to eat more. However, I saw the hint of smile on him. I felt the happiness in him that day.
Tears welled up in my eyes as I sat on the bed looking around the empty bedroom.
I thought I was strong, but I was wrong.
A moment later, my uncle called to say that it has arrived at the tentage. I went down with a heavy heart, holding the gift so dear to me and him, I could not bear to cremate it.

But the moment I saw the coffin, I collapsed. My grandpa, so near yet so far. My cousins came forward to hold me.
I grew up with my Grandpa. He understands me even though words spoken were minimal.
I was there for the next few days as I could not bring myself to go to school even though there were lots waiting for me to do in school.

Then came the day before we sent him off to a place so faraway.
My cousins and I cut the flowers that came as condolences and stuck them one by one to the coffin. It was the only thing we grand children could do now.

It was the next day that was the worst.
As I see the coffin going into the furnace. I finally cried as loudly as I ccould, silently promised him it would be the last time I would cry like this.
My mom collapsed. I was her pillar of support, I have to be strong.

Ah Gong, I broke my promise. I teared again today as I wrote this.
Ah Gong, I miss you alot. Hope you are doing fine in a place without pain…
May God bless you always.
The Lord, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.


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